After a 6 month hiatus from blogging, I find myself here, on Good Friday. Not really here even of my own desire, but maybe a certain prompting of the Spirit?
I don't want to overspiritualize this, but the idea of 'journey' and 'process' have been showing up on my radar lately, and I think this (blogging) is part of my journey, a way God wants me to process all I've been internally experiencing.
It's weird, b/c I've had a lot of inner turmoil over the past few months - maybe even the past year and a half. I can probably attribute it to several things, but not knowing the source has been one of the most unsettling aspects about it. And the part I can't escape is that it is not just something I'm feeling because of my circumstances; there is something inside ME that isn't right.
So, in many ways, I know it has to do with some gaps of understanding about God, about myself. Yeah, yeah, that is no surprise. But what to DO with all that??? I know I need to deal with my fears and insecurities...and 'co-dependency.' It is such an embarrassing word. I don't think anyone wants to label themselves as that.
But I have this book that Mom gave me a while ago - a workbook on co-dependency. I started a while ago, stopped it, and I just feel like I need to go through it. At least finish it and see where I land. I guess the basic premise is that some of our behaviors and unhealthy patterns are due to repressed emotions, our view of God and ourselves, etc. One of the recommended ways to 'feel' and get these emotions out is through journaling. I do this already, but I'm wondering if blogging might be another venue to process some of this stuff in a different way. Maybe, in a way, by putting it out there, I will have to 'own' what I feel and think; once they are out there, I will have to commit to my own feelings and not stuff them. Does that make sense?
I'm hoping, on the other side of this, I will have more peace in my soul. I don't know what it will mean for me, but I remember a time when I was relentlessly seeing the truth, no matter what. I think I fear that a little. And even admitting that, I think, is a first step toward truth. Because the truth is, I think I'm afraid to face the truth.
One thing I am learning is to just to even accept this about myself - that I have issues of fear, insecurity, co-dependency. Not just acknowledge it but accept and embrace it in myself. That God loves me and I can love myself, even with these broken parts. That is a hard step for me, b/c I know I am such a perfectionist. Hard on myself, hard on others. It is very humbling for me to admit these things. But I know I need to be honest even about who I am right now - and accept myself, flaws and all.
I'm trying to take comfort, by believing God is with me in this. I don't have to be afraid. Fear is a terrible thing, and I don't want to live in fear. Of anything. So here we go...I don't know if this 'trail' was on the itinerary for this journey but apparently a detour is needed:
Left turn: Recovery Lane.