"Love is Different than You Think..."

This is line from a Caedmon's Call song. (http://www.songmeanings.net/lyric.php?lid=56753) (I just have to say - I love their music and their lyrics. Still a favorite of mine. It always hits me in levels, in an 'after-the-fact' kind of way. All the sudden, a lyric from a song I haven't heard in years will pop into my head that relates to my life at that moment and I think, 'Oh - so that's what they meant!')

Anyway, I have been reflecting on that lyric for a while. I'm finding that it is different. And harder. And maybe if I'd known it was going to be this hard, I might not have chosen to be in love. (Like you can choose that. lol).

Now, this is where it gets sticky. Love is like we think when it feels like we think it should. But, it's scary when it gets to the point where love becomes the 'choice to love' - the whole 'Love is a decision' thing. Because we can choose not to. And if you choose not to, was it even love?

It almost necessitates that if it really is love, then it will choose to love. Because love can do no other thing - that's what love does. Because if you choose not to demonstrate love, then there is a strong probability that what you felt was not love.

(I know there are some extreme cases of abuse and it's not personally healthy, I get that. But in most normal - but challenging - situations, that's the scenario I'm talking about.)

So, it begs the question: Do I really love?

I've gotten a few email devotionals about the nature of love lately and that is striking a chord with me. A painful, dissonant one, as a matter of fact. As God's been challenging me with that lately, a pretty strident squeal has squeaked out of my heart. I admit - as I read the definition, my gut reaction was "C'mon...You're not serious... Oh no [when I realize He is serious]. This is what you are asking me to do???"

Just the first two attributes of love from 1 Corinthians 13 - "Love is patient, love is kind" - I'm already having trouble with. My version would go something like:

"Love is patient...to a point.

Love is kind...when you appreciate my kindness and are kind back."

Which, really, are the exact things that patience and kindness are not.

As far as my 'poem' goes, that's a pretty sad line to have been written. No - that I'm writing. I guess at any moment, I can choose to write it differently. Because the love of God has been poured into my heart by the Holy Spirit (Rom. 5:5), then, yes, I can make that choice.

Will I?

"Love is patient, love is kind..." "Hmmmmm...sometimes. I want it to be...I think."

(Remember, this is my poem! lol... raw as it is. But I'm counting on the fact that the Author will have some revisions coming...)

My poem

I teach my students this story called B. Wordsworth. Basically, it's about a guy in Trinidad who considers himself a poet. He has never sold any poetry - sort an eccentric type of fellow. He lives live as a poet would and sees life through a poet's eyes. He claims to be writing the world's greatest poem...a line per month, one line at a time.

As the story goes on, it's obvious that the poem is a metaphor for his life. Each day lived is added to this masterpiece poem (i.e. his life). And, the end result is that his life is the masterpiece poem, every moment significant, every moment contributing to this invaluable piece of art.

My students need to come up with a line every month that represents their life...part of the 'masterpiece' they are creating each day, with every experience.

And, the cool thing is that in Eph 2:10, when it says that we are God's 'workmanship,' - the Greek word is actually 'poeima,' where we get our word for 'poem.' So even in a very literal sense, our lives, us, we are God's poem.

So, I think that is where I am going with this... musings, experiences, ramblings, questions, epiphanies...the sum total being the lines of this poem God is writing.

This is for Who???

I was pondering that as I was going to sleep last night. With the creation of this blog, who is this for? Should I tell people I am doing this? Should I tell them to come and read? Is that the same as the people on MySpace who post a picture and write 'Comment me!'? Is this just for me? If so, why not just use a Word document???

So, to be honest, yeah - I do hope somone will read this and that this isn't just for me.

The audience will definitely have something to do with what I write. I mean, I'm a teacher. I go to a church...I certainly wouldn't want to use names...at least in an incriminating way, lol. I have to write with the knowledge that people I know could possibly find this. But, I feel OK with that, because it's not really a diary of my life...who cares that I tried to make pancakes this morning and that they turned out like rubber (Trader Joe's mix...can't say that I'm a fan.)?

But more, it's things I'm learning along the way, things that maybe they can learn from, too. If someone can take something from the reflections here - whatever that may be - then maybe this will be for them.

So, how would they get here then? I'm not sure...because I don't think I'm going to really advertise this. I might refer someone here if the right moment avails itself, but we'll see.

Maybe it will just be a moment when Providence aligns with coincidence or opportunity.

But I don't think that is for me to worry about right now.

Because maybe, it is just for me. And it needs to be worth it if the only eyes that ever see these pages are mine. Because, all said and done, this is my journey. God's poem of my life.

As Mr. Contes has told me (often), just let it unfold. And we'll see where perhaps my journey will intersect with someone else's.

I Caved In...

To our culture's philosophy that everyone is dying to know every thought that crosses your mind. That people might really care about what is going on in your life. Does anyone even read these???

At my sister's suggestion, I'm starting to blog. Not for any particular reason...it's a Friday night, my boyfriend is working, I had some good time w/ God - and due to the usual lack of anything good on TV, I was wasting time on the Internet. Curses! I got sucked into the web again! My plan was to be grading papers. But I'm digressing. Not for any particular reason am I blogging. More that I was wasting time on the Internet and stumbled upon it - and now, here I am. Just sort of happened. Sort of the same way that in the past I ended up on those Christian dating sites...just sort of wandered over there to check it out in a bored moment - and next thing I knew, I was pulling out my credit card for a 3 month subscription.

Well, in order to justify this so I don't seem like one of those narcissistic people who think the whole world is dying to know their every thought and every life detail...

1. Writing helps me think. It definitely helps me organize my thoughts. I like to journal, but I'm curious to see how this medium might be different. Maybe for the fact that somebody could possibly stumble up on it. But, on occasion, I will have an epiphany -or really - God often just speaks something to me. And maybe God will use it to speak to someone else. So it will be interesting to see where this goes.

2. I've always wanted to be a writer. I was good back in the day (as in high school)...but I always said I wouldn't write until I felt I had something to say. However, I've heard the best way to be a good writer is to just write. To keep writing. And writing. So, I'm hoping this medium may help me develop a voice or style of sorts.

3. It might be fun to see where this goes...not that I have expectations of it 'going' anywhere. But, you never know.