Finally - The Foundation

Another epiphany for me. This time - in Sunday School for Missions Bridge.

It was the evangelism training day. We were learning 'The Hand' in presenting the gospel:

The thumb: Heaven is a free gift - can't earn it and don't deserve it.
The pointer: Man is a sinner, can't save himself.

(I'll only for that far for now due to the relevance to the story. It actually goes through all five fingers).

Our teacher that day was telling us how to decipher if a person was truly saved by how he answered the question, "If you died today, what would you say to God as to why He should let you into Heaven?"

I began to think of what I would say if someone asked me that question. Well, I "grew up Christian" and I know that at 13, when I was on the bus ride home from school, I made a decision that I was going to follow Jesus for the rest of my life. That was it for me.

But, then, I began to think - when I did I receive His gift of salvation? When did I realize that Heaven was a gift I didn't deserve and could not earn, and when did I actually RECEIVE that gift through my belief (faith) in it???? When did I TRUST in Jesus to be saved? And that's when the light started brightening...

I think I skipped that step somehow. I knew I needed salvation. I knew I was a sinner. I knew Jesus' death paid the penalty and bought eternal life. But when did I receive that and take that reality into my life? I don't think I did.

I knew the right way to act, the right way to be, the right decision to make. So I did THAT. And continued doing it. But, when did I receive His grace and live by and from THAT??? I decided to follow Jesus, but when did I let Him choose me, save me, and GIVE me that gift - and when did I actually receive it?

It's like the Galatians - they were saved by grace - or at least knew they were, but then they tried to live out that salvation in their own strength. Maybe I was like that too, but only worse, I think. I don't know if I ever received the grace gift at all; I just knew the right things to do following salvation and that is where I set my sights for the next twenty years.

So, here I am...over twenty years later, and finally - I have run out of steam. I have gone as far as my own strength can take me. And, I'm worn out TRYING to be a good Christian...trying to save myself. Because, in reality, that is exactly what I am doing.

As I was going through the codependency book this week, one of the statements said:

"We have difficulty turning our lives over to God because we lack the skills to trust in His grace."

Whoa. So that was it. The realization hit me: I don't trust His grace. I feel safer trusting my ability, even though it is hopelessly inadequate. So, if I don't trust His grace, all I have to trust is myself. And I can see what a scary and precarious scenario I create for myself. No wonder I feel so driven. No wonder I feel the pressure to be perfect. Because it is all I have. It is all I am trusting. My life has become "I have to" and "I should"...which eventually results in "I can't"...which results in guilt and shame...which is, well - welcome to my world.

And that is what I live with. In the back of my mind, there is always the feeling that "It's not enough. I can't do this." And always the pressure to keep trying. And the remedy to all this is so simple: just stop trying. The way out of codendency: surrender.

The statement was made: "Codependent Christians separate grace - the source of perspective and power - from the Bible's high moral and ethical expectations."

I had to think about that for a little while. I am obsessed w/ God's stardards and expectations - and somehow feel like I'm supposed to be able to meet them if I try hard enough. I don't see them through GRACE:

• God's perspective (You can't do this on your own)


• God's power (but I can help you do what you can't).
  

God understands all of that and is OK with it... but somehow, I'm not. I guess I just don't want to need grace.

What would happen if I didn't separate God's

So, all I have left is my "own guilt motivation and [my] own will" to achieve this. Which results in failure. Which results in more guilt and shame.

And all of this because being perfect gives me a sense of worth; I can't swallow the realization that I am imperfect but still loved.

I had to do a devo on the prodigal son for the teachers this week and I was struck by the two sons.

The first son realizes and is fully aware that he is NOT WORTHY to be called a son. He is more comfortable going to the servant status because He is looking at what he (the son) has done and not the character of His father.

The second son also looks at what he (himself, the son) has done and thinks he IS WORTHY: "I've always obeyed; I've always done right..."and not at the character of the Father as well.

One son thinks he doesn't deserve his Father's love, blessing and acceptance because of what he has done; the other son thinks he does deserve it because what he has done. The Father negates all of that by blessing them both, showing that it is neither. It is because of Who the Father is - all the evil or all the good isn't the deciding factor in the end in whether or not someone can receive God's goodness and grace. It is the character and heart of the Father, of His own free will.

The first son's evil didn't disqualify him from his Father's goodness; the second son's righteousness didn't ensure it. And that is how grace works. It is at the discretion of the giver, not won or lost. The only thing required of BOTH sons was to choose to RECEIVE that Father's goodness. Not their actions prior to His offering it, just their responses to His offer itself. Both could - and would - be blessed. But only if they received it.

In this scenario, I'm both. Usually I'm the second son first...I try and try to be good enough and present to God all my good works and what I've done. He says, "It's already yours. Stop trying." Then when I fail, I'm like the first son and realize my failure and see that I don't deserve anything at all and instantly relegate myself to servant status. And He basically ignores my protests and treats me like His daughter with all the goodness and blessing a gracious and giving Father can present. But, either way, if I receive it, I win.

God has already decided to freely give grace to those who are humble enough to:

1. acknowledge their need for it
2. actually accept it

"God gives grace to the humble" (James 4:6) and "He gives grace to the afflicted" (Prov 3:34). By trying to earn it, it is a form of pride and self-sufficiency, and scarily enough, that very act is what could disqualify me from getting it: "God is opposed to the proud." And thinking I'm not worthy enough to receive it is also pride, because I'm completely dependent on myself for God's favor.

So - the lesson this week that is like drinking a glass of cold ice water - that refreshing and that clean - is to accept God's grace and to actually live by it and in it.

Peter, one who lived out the reality of both sons, encourages us: "GROW in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." - 2 Peter 3:18

**The four cornerstones are built on the only solid foundation there is - God's grace.

Relationships Are Not Linear

That is sort of a new epiphany for me. And maybe why I struggle so much with them. I expect them to follow this neat, clear path - and while I think there is some kind of logical progression that happens in them, I realize that they aren't predictable. And, I guess that is because the people in them are not - they are unique, different, autonomous in their own right.

And this ties into God because I don't think I've ever understood, really, the whole religion vs relationship. Again, intellectually - yes; experientially and emotionall - not so much.

In Nicaragua, I was really getting a sense of the whole relationship with God. That we can talk and share - and it is not so pressure-filled as I usually think. There is some flexibility - because it is not linear. It doesn't have a set path to follow; it just morphs and changes and evolves to just be what it is becoming.

But one distinction that just sort of hit me this morning as I was doing my workbook is that their are characteristics of functional relationships. It came up in the context of family, but I see that they are characteristics of all functional relationships. That helps, because I can sort of test the health of any relationship - and know how to try to get it back on track.

It's like this:

• It's OK to feel (respect for someone as a person with a right to his/her own emotions)


• It's OK to trust (consistency and dependability make this possible)


• It's OK to talk (time taken to listen and value what they say)


• You are special (worth is based on who they are)


• You are loved even if you make a mistake. (worth is not based on performance)
  

So, that was helpful to me - because God is the ultimate functional Father. And while the traits mentioned are the cornerstone of my faith, I feel like this gives a little definition of what a relationship on those cornerstones should look like.

If this is true (and it is), then He:

• loves me - I am special in His sight.
  
• loves me no matter how great my mistakes


• desires me to trust Him (because He is consistent and dependable)


• desires me to share my feelings (validates my right to feel what I feel)


• takes time to talk to me and listen to me (not just tell me what I'm doing wrong and what I need to do - cares about me as a person)

Revelation 3:20 - "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. "

The 4 Cornerstones

When I did the Truth Project with the seniors a few weeks ago, there was one tour (I forget which - 6 or 7 maybe? Tour 8?) that left me very troubled. I can't remember at the moment what was said that affected me so much, but I knew I had to go be alone and process a little.

I went to the Holtsville Ecology site to walk and I definitely sensed God the Father with me taking me on this walk to get to the bottom of this. The revelation came to me about the foundation of my faith. I realized, that, I have been the foundation of my own faith. Not His love, not His grace and redemption, but ME. How well I can do the Christian life. And, if I mess up - well, then...there goes the whole structure.

And, I realized that this mentality was sort of thrust upon me before I even knew that what I was doing. Not to get all psycho-babble, but let's just say that as a kid, I learned very early to make sure you obeyed and did right before you got in trouble for doing wrong. And, that definitely translated into my spirituality. So, I never even had a foundation of God's love for me from the inception of my faith. It was, more or less, motivated by a fear of getting punished. I knew intellectually God's love, but not really emotionally or experiencially. I've felt it at moments over the years, but never something that has been consistent. Or foundational. It just sort of floated in and floated out at different times.

So anyway, all that to say - I realized, 'Oh, crap - my foundation is ALL WRONG. So how do I rebuild this thing???"

Well, I felt the Lord say that the foundation needed to be dismantled and a new one built. I didn't even know what some of those messed up building blocks were and what they needed to be replaced with. Didn't even know where to start.

This morning, in my study, I think I came upon it. It isn't anything I haven't heard, but in my mind, it made sense - at least in the way of this whole foundation metaphor.

So, here they are - the 4 false beliefs and the 4 cornerstones (as I am going to call them) for my new foundation:

False Belief #1: I must meet certain standards to feel good about myself (Fear of failure).
Cornerstone #1: Because of justification [Christ's work, separate from my actions], I am completely forgiven and acceptable to God [Right now, as is. His righteousness applied to me].

False Belief #2: I must have the approval of certain others to feel good about myself (Fear of rejection).
Cornerstone #2: Because of reconciliation [Restored friendship through Christ], I am totally accepted by God [and His opinion is all that matters].

False Belief #3: Those who fail (including myself) are unworthy of love and deserve to be punished (Guilt).
Cornerstone #3: Because of propitiation [Christ took my punishment for me and covers my failings; He shows me grace and favor as a result], I am deeply loved by God. I no longer have to fear punishment or punish others.

False Belief #4: I am what I am. I cannot change. I am hopeless (Shame).
Cornerstone #4: Because of regeneration, I have been made brand-new, complete in Christ [I am being transformed into this new person little by little].

One of the best things I read in there, too, was "Patterns of behavior that reflect a false belief system take years to develop. Change will not occur overnight." For a Type A perfectionist, there is a bit of relief to that. I don't need to figure it all out today. God is in charge of the pace of this journey. He is the builder, the Author and Finisher. I am HIS workmanship, not my own.

"One step, one stone, one line at a time"

(Note: Taken from Conquering Co-Dependency workbook, Pat Springle. Items in brackets - ie [ ] - have been added by me)

Detour on the Journey

After a 6 month hiatus from blogging, I find myself here, on Good Friday. Not really here even of my own desire, but maybe a certain prompting of the Spirit?

I don't want to overspiritualize this, but the idea of 'journey' and 'process' have been showing up on my radar lately, and I think this (blogging) is part of my journey, a way God wants me to process all I've been internally experiencing.

It's weird, b/c I've had a lot of inner turmoil over the past few months - maybe even the past year and a half. I can probably attribute it to several things, but not knowing the source has been one of the most unsettling aspects about it. And the part I can't escape is that it is not just something I'm feeling because of my circumstances; there is something inside ME that isn't right.

So, in many ways, I know it has to do with some gaps of understanding about God, about myself. Yeah, yeah, that is no surprise. But what to DO with all that??? I know I need to deal with my fears and insecurities...and 'co-dependency.' It is such an embarrassing word. I don't think anyone wants to label themselves as that.

But I have this book that Mom gave me a while ago - a workbook on co-dependency. I started a while ago, stopped it, and I just feel like I need to go through it. At least finish it and see where I land. I guess the basic premise is that some of our behaviors and unhealthy patterns are due to repressed emotions, our view of God and ourselves, etc. One of the recommended ways to 'feel' and get these emotions out is through journaling. I do this already, but I'm wondering if blogging might be another venue to process some of this stuff in a different way. Maybe, in a way, by putting it out there, I will have to 'own' what I feel and think; once they are out there, I will have to commit to my own feelings and not stuff them. Does that make sense?

I'm hoping, on the other side of this, I will have more peace in my soul. I don't know what it will mean for me, but I remember a time when I was relentlessly seeing the truth, no matter what. I think I fear that a little. And even admitting that, I think, is a first step toward truth. Because the truth is, I think I'm afraid to face the truth.

One thing I am learning is to just to even accept this about myself - that I have issues of fear, insecurity, co-dependency. Not just acknowledge it but accept and embrace it in myself. That God loves me and I can love myself, even with these broken parts. That is a hard step for me, b/c I know I am such a perfectionist. Hard on myself, hard on others. It is very humbling for me to admit these things. But I know I need to be honest even about who I am right now - and accept myself, flaws and all.

I'm trying to take comfort, by believing God is with me in this. I don't have to be afraid. Fear is a terrible thing, and I don't want to live in fear. Of anything. So here we go...I don't know if this 'trail' was on the itinerary for this journey but apparently a detour is needed:

Left turn: Recovery Lane.

"Love is Different than You Think..."

This is line from a Caedmon's Call song. (http://www.songmeanings.net/lyric.php?lid=56753) (I just have to say - I love their music and their lyrics. Still a favorite of mine. It always hits me in levels, in an 'after-the-fact' kind of way. All the sudden, a lyric from a song I haven't heard in years will pop into my head that relates to my life at that moment and I think, 'Oh - so that's what they meant!')

Anyway, I have been reflecting on that lyric for a while. I'm finding that it is different. And harder. And maybe if I'd known it was going to be this hard, I might not have chosen to be in love. (Like you can choose that. lol).

Now, this is where it gets sticky. Love is like we think when it feels like we think it should. But, it's scary when it gets to the point where love becomes the 'choice to love' - the whole 'Love is a decision' thing. Because we can choose not to. And if you choose not to, was it even love?

It almost necessitates that if it really is love, then it will choose to love. Because love can do no other thing - that's what love does. Because if you choose not to demonstrate love, then there is a strong probability that what you felt was not love.

(I know there are some extreme cases of abuse and it's not personally healthy, I get that. But in most normal - but challenging - situations, that's the scenario I'm talking about.)

So, it begs the question: Do I really love?

I've gotten a few email devotionals about the nature of love lately and that is striking a chord with me. A painful, dissonant one, as a matter of fact. As God's been challenging me with that lately, a pretty strident squeal has squeaked out of my heart. I admit - as I read the definition, my gut reaction was "C'mon...You're not serious... Oh no [when I realize He is serious]. This is what you are asking me to do???"

Just the first two attributes of love from 1 Corinthians 13 - "Love is patient, love is kind" - I'm already having trouble with. My version would go something like:

"Love is patient...to a point.

Love is kind...when you appreciate my kindness and are kind back."

Which, really, are the exact things that patience and kindness are not.

As far as my 'poem' goes, that's a pretty sad line to have been written. No - that I'm writing. I guess at any moment, I can choose to write it differently. Because the love of God has been poured into my heart by the Holy Spirit (Rom. 5:5), then, yes, I can make that choice.

Will I?

"Love is patient, love is kind..." "Hmmmmm...sometimes. I want it to be...I think."

(Remember, this is my poem! lol... raw as it is. But I'm counting on the fact that the Author will have some revisions coming...)

My poem

I teach my students this story called B. Wordsworth. Basically, it's about a guy in Trinidad who considers himself a poet. He has never sold any poetry - sort an eccentric type of fellow. He lives live as a poet would and sees life through a poet's eyes. He claims to be writing the world's greatest poem...a line per month, one line at a time.

As the story goes on, it's obvious that the poem is a metaphor for his life. Each day lived is added to this masterpiece poem (i.e. his life). And, the end result is that his life is the masterpiece poem, every moment significant, every moment contributing to this invaluable piece of art.

My students need to come up with a line every month that represents their life...part of the 'masterpiece' they are creating each day, with every experience.

And, the cool thing is that in Eph 2:10, when it says that we are God's 'workmanship,' - the Greek word is actually 'poeima,' where we get our word for 'poem.' So even in a very literal sense, our lives, us, we are God's poem.

So, I think that is where I am going with this... musings, experiences, ramblings, questions, epiphanies...the sum total being the lines of this poem God is writing.

This is for Who???

I was pondering that as I was going to sleep last night. With the creation of this blog, who is this for? Should I tell people I am doing this? Should I tell them to come and read? Is that the same as the people on MySpace who post a picture and write 'Comment me!'? Is this just for me? If so, why not just use a Word document???

So, to be honest, yeah - I do hope somone will read this and that this isn't just for me.

The audience will definitely have something to do with what I write. I mean, I'm a teacher. I go to a church...I certainly wouldn't want to use names...at least in an incriminating way, lol. I have to write with the knowledge that people I know could possibly find this. But, I feel OK with that, because it's not really a diary of my life...who cares that I tried to make pancakes this morning and that they turned out like rubber (Trader Joe's mix...can't say that I'm a fan.)?

But more, it's things I'm learning along the way, things that maybe they can learn from, too. If someone can take something from the reflections here - whatever that may be - then maybe this will be for them.

So, how would they get here then? I'm not sure...because I don't think I'm going to really advertise this. I might refer someone here if the right moment avails itself, but we'll see.

Maybe it will just be a moment when Providence aligns with coincidence or opportunity.

But I don't think that is for me to worry about right now.

Because maybe, it is just for me. And it needs to be worth it if the only eyes that ever see these pages are mine. Because, all said and done, this is my journey. God's poem of my life.

As Mr. Contes has told me (often), just let it unfold. And we'll see where perhaps my journey will intersect with someone else's.